I emailed a marketing director today, looking for freelance work, and she writes me back, "Are you only looking for freelance or would you consider full-time?"
I hit reply and wrote back, "I am only looking for freelance opportunities at this time."
But I couldn't hit send.
Because I know why she asked me that question. They have a full-time, permanent position available. I saw their job listing on the internet. It's a good magazine. It would be a good job. It would be a similar job as I had before, and I could probably do it and be good at it. If I passed the interview, I wouldn't have to look for work anymore. I wouldn't have to worry where my next paycheck would come from. I wouldn't have to think about what I really want to do with my life. If I got this job, everything would be back in order. Back to where it all used to be before I took my trip. As is the whole trip never happened. It would all be so easy.
I hit the "save now" button and went into the shower, where I let the water stream down over me and I listened to my thoughts. I felt afraid. I don't know what scared me more: taking the easy way and going for this job and postponing my writing dreams again. Or taking the hard way and holding out and trying to live my dream.
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
Does Robert Frost know what the hell he is talking about?
I just sent the email. I told her freelance only.
Two people I trust in two different conversations recommended the following book to me: The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. I was on the waiting list at the library, but I couldn't hold out anymore, and I picked up the book at B&N this afternoon. It's going to help me "unlock the inner barriers to creativity." Bring it.