Blue Christmas

Today I was thinking about how I haven't been writing too much in the blog lately, and maybe it should come to a close at the end of the year. For a moment, I felt a sense of relief, a calm, a voice that said yes, "that feels right."

But immediately a panic set in. A panic that said, "Yvonne, you love writing in your blog. You want to stop the blog? What's wrong with you?"

And I knew. Something I've been knowing for a while. I'm depressed. Again.

I've stopped running.
I've stopped going to the gym.
I haven't been cooking much lately.
I am secretly glad my photography class ends in a week so I don't have to force myself to take pictures.
I don't feel like eating because everything tastes dull (except sweets, which I have been indulging in constantly).
I've stopped eating vegetables regularly.
I have trouble going to sleep at night.
I have trouble waking up in the morning.
I don't want to go outside.
And now, I am thinking of stopping the blog.

WTF.

I have struggled with depression for most of my life. But I am a totally functioning depressive. Call me "in the closet," if you will. I can get up in the morning. I can work. I can socialize. I don't have suicidal thoughts. I can laugh. I can be very successful. It just kind of feels like I have a veil covering my whole existence and seeing life through this veil, everything appears really bland and gray and boring and muted. I don't really get excited about anything. Going through life with a veil on top of you makes easy tasks hard and frustrating. Things feel impossible. I haven't felt this way in a really long time. Since pre-Europe, so now that it's back, I am depressed about being depressed again. I thought I was over this.

I don't really like to talk about this aspect of my life because it worries the heck out my mom and I'm embarrassed that a person like me, someone who has a good home, a supportive fiance, friends and family, a good career and life, would be selfish enough to somehow feel it wasn't enough and be in a bad mood all the time. Conversations like this are better suited for a therapist's couch than a blog.

That said, if there was anything that got me excited these days, it would be Dan and my wedding. With families on opposite coasts and New York City being the single most expensive place to have a wedding, we have decided to get married in our new favorite American city--the place where we got engaged--New Orleans. My mom and I will be heading there in a week to pick a church and a venue and finally set a date. With all the free time on my hands--not doing the stuff I used to do--I have been spending my days researching places, scouting wedding blogs and getting to know the city of New Orleans better--and this is a very nice distraction. I don't want to be one of those girls who are obsessed with their wedding, but living in a state of disinterest with everything in my life, I am happy to embrace at least something that does have some color and lights me up inside.

So please forgive me if I don't write as much or I write sad entries like this one. Don't think that I am giving up on myself (or the blog for that matter) or I spend my days crying into a pillow (I haven't cried since Election Day). It's just me at this moment right now, trying to be really honest about how I feel instead of hiding it like I have done in the past. I will figure it out and pull it all together. I have done it before. And I am going to New Orleans in a week with my mom. How cool is that? Maybe that's just the pick-me-up I need.