I found out today that my freelance job officially ends Friday which means I have to officially find a new gig.
I am not surprised by the news (the workload has been very light) but for some reason the news dragged me into a funk. I spent the day trying to figure out why.
I am really good at marketing, but I lack any passion for it. As a freelancer, you are not expected "to care"--you just show up and get the work done. And a part of that is great because the moment I leave that office, I can completely let go. I don't worry or think about my workload--EVER. I don't toss and turn at night fretting about all the work I have to do.
But there is something really strange about spending a huge part of your day--a huge part of your life--not caring. Sure, freelancing affords me the flexibility to pursue my non-work-related hobbies--but clearly, from my schedule this summer, I tend to prioritize hanging out with friends over "pursuing my passions."
I don't want to spend an hour here or there doing what I love. I want to spend the majority of my time doing it and so while this freelance thing has tons benefits and is working great for me so far in so many ways--I know it's temporary until I find my next big thing.
But what is that?
During some down time at work today, I wrote a list: What do I want to be when I grow up? And in this list I wrote down any profession or job that I might be interested in pursuing outside of marketing.
The list did not make me feel better.
Every thing on my list is ridiculous and unfathonable. Like impossible 5-year-old dreams of making it big and being really good at skills that I don't even have. Where am I going from freelancing? Apparently some kind of fantasy world.
So I guess the reason why I am blue is because I am worried I'll never be good at anything but marketing and if I do want to get out and pursue my real passions (which I have been relentlessly procrastinating), I have a steep climb ahead of me. It all just feels very overwhelming and scary at the bottom of the hill and I am a little disappointed in myself that I am still down here, in the same place, after all this time.