To Do List

December is always a busy month, but this year there is so much more to do.

In addition to Christmas card writing, cookie baking, shopping and all those fun things, we have got to condense our entire lives into 25 boxes.

We need to sell our furniture, donate to charity, throw things out and edit, edit edit. It's hard to decide what we can and can't live without. For Dan, the most important thing is the vinyl. For me, it's my kitchen stuff and my clothes. But then there's books and papers and stupid things that add up, like my yoga mat, framed pictures, electronics and my camera equipment. Dan thinks it will all fit in 25 boxes. I am not so sure.

Everything has to be packed with care. It's not like the stuff's going across town; it has to travel over 2,400 miles. We're still fretting/debating on how to get our stuff out there. After one dismal run at the post office, we're now thinking movers after all.

On top of this, I am trying to say good-bye to everyone. Since this is such a busy time of year, we decided not to have a going away party. Plus, I would rather have a little one-on-one time with my friends instead of a generic "miss you" and "good-bye" in a roomful of people. There has been lots of dinners/lunches/drinks with my favorite people; probably the most I have socialized in the last year. It's funny because everyone keeps acting like I have all this time. "Oh, I will see you one more time before you go, right?" Even the girl who waxes my eyebrows said that. Looking at my calendar, with nearly every date filled in with something or someone, the answer is probably no. This is it.

My emotions are so mixed that I just feel neutral. I don't feel super excited to be moving. I don't feel super sad to be leaving. It almost feels like I am going away to college, that this is some temporary measure. I will be going away for a while and doing my thing, but I will be back. What I sometimes feel is a sense of disappointment in myself. I guess everyone comes to New York City with a dream, and in my 9+ years here, I do not feel like I really "made it." Does leaving the city now mean that my dreams are dead? Will Los Angeles be the city of my dreams? Does it matter? Are my dreams even the same anymore? This is I think about.

And then there's the matter of getting a job out there. On top of everything, I have been updating my resume, trying to build my portfolio online and scouring job listings. But that will probably be more of a priority next month. There's just too much going on right now.

It does feel like we have gotten on the roller coaster. We have begun climbing up that first big hill, slowly and surely. We have no idea what lies ahead of us, and there is no turning back.